No, I Won't Disadvantage my Child to Prevent Disadvantaging Yours

Crippling Other People's Children is Not The Right Way to Provide "Fairness"

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

I’ve been considering writing this post for awhile now and, quite frankly, I’ve been scared to. At this point, I figure I’ll probably be cancelled but what the hay? I don’t make much from this Stack anyway, so it’s not like I’ve got all that much to lose. Someone needs to say this and I’m kind of sad that it’s not someone with a bigger following, but I do what I can, right? Of course, if you want to help get the message out this time, there is a way to do so. Simply click the button and send away.

I have, on many occasions and over the course of nearly two decades now (my oldest will be twenty in January) been told that I should not do certain things because they “advantage” my children. This includes things like being around them (not having a father figure is a very disadvantageous position to be sure) reading to them (encourages literacy and brain development in young children), etc. It is the position of many of the people that I have come across receiving lectures from sources as varied as a random woman in the grocery story to a woman with a doctoral degree in a graduate level seminar class. Both told me I was being unfair to disadvantaged youth by my actions.

It is true that my actions have given my children advantages that other kids don’t have. Having a loving father is an advantage. So are some of the other things I have done. I’ve read to my kids. I’ve encouraged both of my children to take statistics because a basic knowledge of graphs and how they are often manipulated by the media is key to truly understanding what you’re being shown and how you’re being influenced. (And seriously, if you haven’t taken statistics I would encourage you to at least visit a used book store and get a cheap copy of a statistics textbook. Reading through the part about graphs can make a huge difference in your life and gaining a basic understanding doesn’t require a lot of time or even a deep knowledge of math.) But here’s my point: This is a good thing.

It is my job as a father to do as much as I can for my children. If that provides them with a life long advantage then I have done my job. If someone’s child is disadvantaged because their parents didn’t read to them then that is unfortunate. It is also not my fault. The fault lies with the parents that would not read to their kid, not with me because I read to mine.

But understand this: I’m not telling you how to raise your kid. If you decide to raise your child in a way that disadvantages them you have the right to do so. I will do nothing to stop you. But here’s the rub: It is the fact that others have the right to raise their kids the way they want to that prevents me from being responsible for the consequences of their choices or for compensating for them. Yes, I mean that seriously.

A parent that chooses not to read to their children (and yes, you can afford the books. Dolly Parton’s charity will give them to you for free.) has made a decision not to help their children. In most cases, they may not realize that they have done so and that’s unfortunate. In some cases I know of people who have deliberately refused to read to their children specifically because it was good for them. They may have called it “advantaging” their children but what know what they meant. That makes me a bit queasy, because intentionally harming one’s children like that sounds borderline abusive to me, but there is no law against it.

And yes, Mom, it is partially your fault that your child is fatherless if it was your choices are what led to that. No one is denying your right to have sex with whomever you choose to as long as your partner consents and is of legal age. Your failure to find out what the man was like, and whether he would make a good father for your kids. It is also his fault. He’s the one who skipped out on his kids. What it is not, in any way, shape, or form, is my fault and there I will not turn my back on my kids because he turned his back on his. Yes, even if that gives my kids an advantage.

Although, for the record, I do feel bad for the children whose fathers have passed on whether from disease, accident, war, or something else. I lost my dad at twenty-one and I feel like I lost an important source of advice and wisdom that I would have benefitted from. I can’t imagine how much worse it would have been if I had been four. In that case though, I have to wonder why Mom wouldn’t seek out a male mentor for her children.

And yes, I know that’s a lot harder than ordering some free books. Some things aren’t easy. That doesn’t mean they’re not worth doing, nor does it mean they shouldn’t be done. If it’s not worth it to a mom to find someone to help her with their kids (such as a male relative or maybe a community program run by either the local government or a volunteer program through a church, etc. ) then I’m not going to take the blame for that and I’m not going to give my kids up over it.

And men, I know your new woman will frequently expect you to give up seeing your kids to make her happy. I’ve already covered why you shouldn’t do that. Again though, it’s your choice. The fact remains that I’m not responsible for the fact that you let a woman bully you out of doing the right thing.

So yes, parents, my message is for you is that what happens to your kids is a result of what you do and that you are the person(s) responsible for what happens to those kids. If someone needs to compensate them for what you’ve done, it’s you. Not me.